2007-07-10

Melancholy.

Hi Everyone.

You're shocked, I know. She's actually updating! I think it's time for a real, proper, honest update to let you all know what's been going on. I warn you, I already know this isn't going to be funny and/or exciting.

I just can't deliver right now.

I've been having a really hard time with this journal [or any journal at all], because I feel bad updating with complaints or when things just haven't been going well. I guess maybe I don't like to brag about my failures? Something like that. :P

This whole trip hasn't exactly been... a success. Before I left, I obviously thought about the pros and cons- the great things and the possible horrors that could come of this new adventure. I knew the greats could be incredible and fun and fantastic! But I also knew before I left that there were some very real possibilities for things to turn disaster, and it made me uneasy about the whole trip. Before I left I had these sinking fears in the back of my head, and they weren't just made up theories. They were plausible and real and essentially, I really should have listened to my gut. Whether that meant going on my own and making my own game plan, or making some changed to the original, I don't know anymore. But I should have listened to my instincts.

But I went, because I knew it was too hard of an opportunity to pass up. I worked way too hard in the months before I left to just not go and give it a try!

When I arrived, it was already off to an interesting start. It was good, but not what I had imagined. When I arrived in Coolangatta, I was greeted with some great hospitality. But it was apparently really quickly that things when we arrived weren't as planned. I spent over a month looking for a job and apartment, with no avail. I had a hard time dealing with no income, but still spending money with nothing to show. But, I had a very hard time dealing with over-staying my welcome, let's say.

My one major success has been my fantastic week in the Sunshine Coast. I loved getting out on my own again and having something unknown! I loved the challenge of driving on the other side of the road and finding my own way there. I saw some great friends from home, and truly cherished spending time with them-- they really went above and beyond my expectations with their laughter, generocity and kindness. Footy was genuinely my savior! Seeing how fantastic those boys are was such a happiness catalyst. That week was exactly what I needed, and my smiles after it lingered for so long. It has honestly been the only real, genuine fun I have had this past three months.

I came back from the Sunny with an apartment here in Palm Beach. It was way more than we wanted to pay a week, but we were desperate and just needed to get out on our own and settle. The apartment itself is great, don't get me wrong. It's beautiful and better than anything we were looking at. It's nice and close to the beach (not even a two minute walk!) and everything. And it was so great to have my own bedroom and... just unpack my suitcase. Especially after all of the real estate agent run around and difficulties disagreeing with Melanie over places to live.

My time with Melanie has had it's highs and lows itself, and she took very good care of me (that will come later), and for that I'm incredibly grateful.

So I finally found a job that is unfortunately located and absolute shit work, but I need money. It's almost a two hour bus ride there, and it's working for a holiday resort company doing follow up with their guests. It paid me enough to survive, and I was working with some really great people. They are probably the reason I stayed at the job in the first place, actually. I've had fun with my new friend Abujohn. After two weeks of working there, it was tolerable and Melanie still didn't have a job. I hooked her up with a job at the same place, but she quit after a week.

So, we'd paid another month at this unit and all was going well. Melanie was trying once again to find a job, and I was working my own. I was trying really hard to go out and meet people and make some new friends, but it's so hard here and it's hard to do it on your own. Melanie wasn't really into the idea of going out and meeting new people, and it's hard when you've got your own house and living in a small place to go out on your own and approach people, ya know?

And then came the tonsillitis.

For the last three weeks, I've been battling this giant beast with slow and measured success. After the first couple days of being sick with increasingly speeds, Melanie took me to Emergency and I got a prescription to treat tonsillitis. That night, I got home and took a Panadine in addition to my antibiotics. I had this really awful and scary allergic reaction to the Codeine, which resulted in some really scary stuff physically. After about three days, my tonsillitis was just getting worse and I had these awful, painful sores in my mouth- thrush. By the time I went back to Emergency, my body was just in shambles. I took myself there and the nurse was amazing and funny, he really made the experience so much better and took good care of me. After three doctor's checked me out, it was decided that I needed to stay in the hospital and go on IV. I was suffering from Quincy and some severe dehydration, in addition to some really out of control thrush (it's pretty much a yeast infection in my mouth, people). So, because this is getting way too long... long story short, I spent three days in hospital and begged them to release me because I started to feel a bit better, and being at the hospital all by myself in another country so far from home was probably of the loneliest experiences EVER.

So pretty much I have spend the last week recovering from hospital and taking the strictest, most ridiculous schedule of antibiotics. I've still got a worrying fever, and my throat is swelling and painful off and on, as well as the thrush still all in my throat. It's just been such a frustrating experience, and the worst part is just the exhaustion. I can't believe how much this has just knocked me to the floor and kicked the life out of me.

This past weekend, Melanie moved out and flew across the country to the outback, where she will be working as a nanny. It's weird being in this apartment alone.

On Monday, I tried to go to work for the first time in two weeks. I lasted two hours, and then just had to go home. It was crazy painful, and by the time I got home I had a raging fever again.

I spent yesterday laying on my couch. They have been so nice about it at work, but yesterday I found out I have essentially lost my job. Today is kind of the deciding day when I tell them how I feel and they fire me officially.

I've really missed home through all of it. My family, my friends, my car, the sunshine of summer... I miss it so much. I've never been homesick before like this! I think part of the reason is because the grass is always greener on the other side, but... still.

So I'm financially broke, nothing feels like it has worked, I have a home for another 5 days... I've been waiting and trying and working so hard at making this work that I've just given up on everything else. I've been waiting for something to fall into place so I can dream of something else. But it just hasn't happened.

What comes next?

That's for later.

love, nicole 3:00 p.m.

previous | next